Its damn hard

As a child you struggle, as a teen you struggle, and as an adult you struggle... when in life do you NOT struggle?

ANSWER: AS A HUMAN WE ARE NEVER FREE FROM STRUGGLING.

As a child and a teen I went through what I thought was hell... but now that I am an adult and a parent... I now realize that it was never me that actually went through hell... it was my parents, I am starting to understand that now. 

As a teen I walked the sidelines of hell... but along the way my parents were there to do their best to protect me. I know I went through hard times and at times didn't think that I would make it, but because I had my parents to keep holding me upright from the side of hell ... I didn't fall into it ....i couldn't see the pain they went through nor would i ever understand until I have walked into hell to save my own child ... because of that... I survived.

Now that I am a parent to three amazing little boys that will before my eyes turn into amazing men, I am scared to think what their hard times will be...

I pray for the strength my parents had...

I know I went through a brush with death by my own hands...

Now as a parent,  I think of finding my own child struggling... trying to find themselves... a place where they belong... whether life or death is the answer... it makes my heart feel pain I have never felt. Even in my darkest hours I have lived through to this point in my life.

I dont need judgement, I need help... as I am sure we all do.

At this point in my life my boys are small... we deal with

 "Don't hit your brother!"

"Share."

"Talk nice!"

"No yelling!"

"Be kind."

"Be Careful!"

As a parent this is where it begins... and no one has a perfect ending to their stories...  I guess that is the beauty of life.

I'm struggling with my phase.

It is so hard for me to sit back and see my oldest be treated more harshly then his brothers by other family... is this because he is older and he is "Suppose to understand."

 My heart breaks and I want to pick him up and just hold him and protect him. 

When other kids tease him or talk harshly to them because they are annoyed he just wants to play too... be apart of what they are doing... I want to yell at these older kids because it hurt me, and I can see a glimpse of sadness in his eyes.

Am I being over sensitive?

How do I do this?

Being a parent is damn hard.

I can feel my inside turn into fire and I am afraid that one of these days my fire is going to hit a gas leak and an explosion will happen.... pray for whoever ,may be in the way.

How do you all deal with this feeling? 

I need to find a way that will work for my boys and for myself.

And also being respectful to those who may be causing this feeling.

Until then.... Lord, help me through.

be still my soul

 Do you feel that? ... Can you feel that? Its a stirring of your soul that lived through the darkest hours.

Some moments and memories are better left in the box locked away with the key... for some reason those memories are trying to fight their way to the surface of my life. Ones which were put away for the sake of my soul... for the sake of my life.

Childish fears... the pain is to real to relive nor could I fall to the pain I once felt with my family so close behind me... I couldn't and wont let them fall. I know that I have to stay strong.

Music will stir uncontrollable feelings, making me feel like my world is moving in backwards motion while I watch and as it rewinds with no power to stop it. I feel every tear, every pain, every loss. The weight on my chest.. darkness that my life use to play in. No light... for such a long time. 
I feel the warmth of the sun bring me back to life,

My saving grace... My guardian angel... My best friend... My husband.

I wake from this dream and wonder why he trys to fix me... I keep thinking how i was broken beyond repair... suddenly I know I am not sleeping, Im still here and all that is left of yesterday. I must pick up one foot infront of the other and will myself to keep moving... because God has given me much to live for.

My soul stirs... God is who i beg to help me fight this back into the box where it belongs. With his love I feel his presence close... Free....

I can breath.

My Soul is still.

For me:

I'm a mother of 3 handsome boys, a wife to a amazingly good looking man that has a voice of a God. Dont believe me? ..... You dont have to.

For me this is life. I am blessed to sleep next to the love of my life. I am lucky enough to in a non creepy way... or maybe it is... stare all I want while he sleeps. Kiss his sweet lips whenever I want, trace his soft perfect skin with my imperfect finger. Reminding me ... he is for me and life can't get any better, but if it does my world will be just as God lives...

For me this is life... Ethan telling me every morning with out fail he wants chocolate milk right after he lets me know with a hug and a kiss "Good morning Mommy." followed with his perfect smile. His wonderful big brother skills at keeping Riley laughing in the morning.

Riley... oh Riley, his big smile and run that is as if he is running on ground that is slightly shifting under his feet. But never with out a smile that as Layne says "Can make even a crocodile happy!" Riley is a sweet boy, people cant help but gravitate to him.

Mason... can make the sun shine from his eyes... a smile that can melt the ice burg that sunk the Titanic, and skin so soft you know God used the good stuff on him. :)

This is for me.

A life that is perfectly perfect with its perfect imperfections.

now that is something to think about.